Doctors confirmed that a rare condition affecting lifelong Cubs fan Jim Gunnison, 34, of Naperville, will be taking the life of the ailing man before next season’s spring training gets rolling. Sadly, doctors also confirmed, Gunnison will not see the Cubs win the World Series in his lifetime.

Doctors remained optimistic, however, that Gunnison will see the Cubs win the World Series in his deathtime. Of this, doctors say the probability is “high.”

“Once Gunnison draws his last breath, around late January to early March, he will enter that cocoon known as the afterlife, or deathtime,” said Dr. Mudder, a specialist. “This period in Gunnison’s nonexistence is expected to last long enough for the Cubs to win as many as 10 World Series championships, even if it’s not for like another 200 years.”

If Gunnison can make it to the Cubs Convention in mid-January, however, he may become filled with enough confidence in the Cubs to hang on until Opening Day, Dr. Mudder adds.

“But within a week, Gunnison will surely be a goner when reality comes back around,” Dr. Mudder says. “There’s no way Gunnison will make it through April. He might as well start now telling his landlord and his boss to kiss his ass.”

By Rob C. Christiansen