Breaking!

"Samardzija has been playing really hard to get lately about the contract extension we offered him," Epstein sheepishly told reporters. "So I figured if we made a play for a more attractive, desirable arm in a public setting to make sure Jeff knew about it, it might make him jealous and, I don't know, want to stay with us."

Outspoken Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman has taken a vow of silence until after he plays in Feb. 2's Super Bowl.

Dunn is expected to reject the offer and go about his season in usual fashion: "I plan to slim down and look in shape to start the season," said Dunn. "Then I'll hit .130, overshadowing Gordan Beckham and his .155 average. If I have time I'll strike out 354 times and go 0-for-50 at some point."

"Wait, uh ... seriously?" asked Peluski, dumbfounded. "No, that can't be right. No [expletive deleted] way."

Police were called to the Sheraton Chicago Hotel & Towers early Saturday morning when fans stumbling back to their rooms at 2 a.m. found the dead body of new Cubs mascot, Clark the Cub, on lower N. Water Street.

Baseball fans with absolutely nothing better to do this weekend are encouraged to head on down to the 2014 Cubs Convention, which is apparently starts Friday.

Two of the most maligned figures in sports are linking up, but it probably won't get them anywhere.