Baseball fans with absolutely nothing better to do this weekend are encouraged to head on down to the 2014 Cubs Convention, which is apparently starts Friday.
Thousands of passes remain available, despite a scheduled list of guests including Kyuji Fujikawa, Justin Grimm, George Kottaras, Les Lancaster and the new manager, best known as “What’s His Name.”
Most of the vendors described as “mom and pop” that used to make up the heart and soul of the weekend event have been forced out by sky-high booth prices and fear of competition by the team. Rather than browsing nostalgic aisle after nostalgic aisle of interesting memorabilia and merchandise, fans are now able to get up close and person with tchotchke-toting representatives of their favorite soulless corporations like Bank of America and State Farm.
Insiders say the Convention is most likely occurring at a hotel in downtown Chicago, but nobody would be surprised if the Cubs decided to host the event in Schaumburg or something stupid. Those interested in learning more about this weekend’s festivities are asked to visit Cubs.com, which evidently still exists and posts news about the team for its fan base of dozens — if not hundreds — of people, down from approximately 3 million just a few years ago.