Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Earl Bennett refuses to remove orange cleats at O’Hare International Airport

While being sequestered for questioning, Bennett called coach Lovie Smith to inform him that he would not be making the trip to San Diego. A very groggy Smith calmly reminded his valued receiver that the game this Sunday was at home. A humbled Bennett apologized to the TSA and offered to buy everyone some TCBY.

Griese, Brees ask Purdue to reclaim diplomas of Painter and Orton

Purdue University has long been known for its rich tradition of producing high quality quarterbacks. In fact, the West Lafayette, Indiana school proudly fashions itself the “Cradle of Quarterbacks.” Rightfully so, as the school boasts alumni including Bob Griese, Jim Everett, Len Dawson and Drew Brees.

Superstitious Hester entices fan in London ‘biff’ him in the head

“I heard how rowdy those fans get for their sports,” said Hester. “It should be nothing to get one to hit me and keep this streak going.”

Sandberg to apply for vacant Cubs announcer gig

The Cubs are openly seeking a replacement for Paul Friedman, Wrigley Field's public address announcer for the past 16 seasons. One interesting candidate who used a popular career website to apply was former second baseman and minor league manager Ryne Sandberg.

Hendry admitted to psychiatric hospital after proclaiming Cubs will be in contention this season

Cubs GM Jim Hendry has lots of work left to do as Spring Training begins, but he might have trouble doing his job from his new location. After proclaiming the Cubs will be in contention this year while talking to reporters earlier this week, Hendry was dragged away kicking and screaming by three men in white coats and brought to the nearest psychiatric hospital for evaluation.

Paternity test reveals Fabio is Clay Matthews’ biological father

A paternity test conducted by the Maury Povich Show has revealed that famed Italian model Fabio is in fact the father of Packers linebacker Clay Matthews.

Cubs invent ‘long first’ position to get Tyler Colvin on field

In an attempt to capitalize on Tyler Colvin's hitting ability, Cubs GM Jim Hendry has petitioned the league to allow the youngster to play a newly created position.