Monday, August 8, 2022

After inking deal with Quaker Oats, Chicago Fire promise to ‘stay consistent’ this season

"We are proud to bring Quaker Oats onto the field with us this season," said Coach Frank Klopas. "Their oatmeal makes sure we don't bring any more crap onto the field than we have to."

Gordon Beckham not happy with David Beckham signing

"Here we go again," said the baseball Beckham. "Why couldn't he go back and play in Europe? I am dreading spring training."

As spring approaches, millions of soccer dads begin MMA training

Spring is just around the corner and for millions of fathers across the country, that can mean only one thing -- time to begin mixed martial arts training for spring youth soccer.

Nation bummed it won’t be able to pretend it likes soccer for a couple...

"I've ignored the sport for almost four years waiting for this moment," said distraught NFL fan Bob Benson. "Now what am I going to pretend I care about during the Olympics? The javelin throw?"

Soccer fan refuses to admit hockey is exciting

“Six goals? Six?! It was so boring, there was no defensive play at all,” said the soccer fan. “And how was I supposed to follow the puck? They need to make it glow or something. That would be a genius idea. Televised hockey just doesn’t work.”

49ers-Rams tie fuels American interest in soccer

As both teams fought hard to the end with nobody being the clear victor, NFL fans realized such drama is possible in nearly every soccer game ever played.

FIFA regrets hiring Soldier Field grounds crew for World Cup

"In hindsight, yes, we should not have hired Mike and the guys from Chicago to maintain our field," said a FIFA official. "But you know how these things work. Someone's nephew needed a handout, some palms were greased and, of course, this is Chicago and FIFA we're talking about."