After playing an entire season without a sponsor on their jerseys, the Chicago Fire were seen as a disgrace to the world of pro soccer. Soccer nuts around the city can start to move forward as the defamation to Chicago’s good name seems to be coming to an end. On Tuesday, the Fire signed a three-year, eight million dollar deal with Quaker Oats.
“We are proud to bring Quaker Oats onto the field with us this season,” said Coach Frank Klopas. “Their oatmeal makes sure we don’t bring any more crap onto the field than we have to.”
Players proudly modeled the jerseys at the announcement. On the chest of the jersey is the famous image of the Quaker inside an oval. The team will also sport long sleeves with ruffles on the wrist. Below the jersey, the players will wear navy capri pants with knee high white socks. To add more glitz to the attire, buckles will be worn on the cleats of the players.
When asked about the new look, Fire captain Logan Pause beamed with pride.
“I love it, the new jersey makes me look like Bat Man…if he were a pacifist,” he said. “And don’t get me started on those ruffles, they are perfect for a night on the pitch, on the town, or even a visit to Williamsburg, PA.”
Sources with the team say the Fire are close to inking a secondary deal with Depends adult diapers. If finalized, the deal would put the adult diaper brand’s name on the uniforms of its goalkeepers.
“You can count on Depends to stop embarrassing accidents from getting through, which is something we would like our keepers to embrace.”