In a controversial move, Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari has announced his support for a divisive state law which declares that all life begins at conception. The age-old debate has taken on an entirely new twist as the scrupulous coach declared his intentions were “purely non-religious,” and instead simply “for the good of student-athletes.”

“My staff and I were sitting around wondering when the 2030 class of freshmen would be available for recruiting,” Calipari said. “Then it hit us. Why have an age restriction? And even more, why can’t we recruit a player as early as possible?”

The move has shocked pro-choice and pro-life advocates alike. Each side of the debate finds the move appalling in as much as it takes advantage of unsuspecting fetuses and commits them to a choice before most cognitive skills can be formed. Calipari had a counter to all criticisms.

“Really? I mean, do you think a young man has a brain in his body when I tell him I care about him and he believes it?” Calipari retorted. “You obviously don’t have cognitive skills if you commit to UK.

“Plus, we can tell if the unborn wants to commit simply by playing our fight song on his mother’s stomach. One kick means a commitment. Additional kicks mean he’s thinking about it, but if we throw in some formula and a squeaky toy, he’s leaning our way. If he doesn’t kick, we don’t think he’s the caliber of player we’d like at Kentucky.”

“Furthermore,” Calipari added, “I believe every life is precious. Unless of course that child should tear his ACL in the birth canal. Then I won’t recall I even ‘recruited’ him.”

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