Sport

“This has to end,“ a Hawks player said. “After one of the games in the Detroit series, I was in the shower and he’s there snapping my rear end with a towel."

Chicago police were taken by surprise on the night the seventh game of the 2013 Stanley Cup final was to be played when a crowd estimated at nearly 3,000 spilled out on to the streets of Wrigleyville.

“This year, I discovered my ability to grow the beard of a 50-year-old lumberjack within minutes,” said Saad.

"Does this mean we'll be going bar hopping every day?" Hawks winger Patrick Kane asked. "[Teammate Jonathan] Toews says he only plans to get blitzed the day of the parade ... which means we could be in for a real party."

In the latest incident, at least two recycling bins and a hanging plant were tossed into the parking lot of a building housing a hot yoga business.

"Worst gentlemen's clubs ever," said Pritchard. "And every night one horned-up player after another tried dragging us and the Cup out to these dumps. Either the girls were ugly and naked at places where you could get liquored up or kind of hot and mostly clothed at places that served only beer. What is this town all about anyway?"

"The summer of 2010 was the absolute worst," said Kane's liver, referring to the Hawks' prior Stanley Cup summer of celebration. "Patrick drank like he had three of us."