For as happy as Patrick Kane was after being awarded the 2013 Conn Smythe trophy following a victorious Stanley Cup run, the superstar’s liver had a complete different outlook on things.
“Oh my god, no!” exclaimed Kane’s liver as he took a victory lap with the Stanley Cup around Boston’s TD Bank Garden Monday night, “Not this again. Doesn’t Patrick know what we’re in for?”
Like Kane, his liver is only 24 years old, but the organ feels and looks as though it’s in its mid-50s.
“The summer of 2010 was the absolute worst,” said Kane’s liver, referring to the Hawks’ prior Stanley Cup summer of celebration. “Patrick drank like he had three of us.”
“Now that he’s a few years older and has even more money, I don’t think I’m even going to try to make it. Maybe he can transplant me out of here and into a more stable person like Ozzy Osbourne or Amanda Bymes. Nothing would be worse than another Stanley Cup summer trapped inside Patrick’s body.”