Sport

"He's only broken curfew twice," said head coach Bill Belichick. "And both times he made it back to the hotel before sunrise, which is pretty unusual for him. Sure, he showed up wearing nothing but a pink tube top and argyle socks, but other than that, it's clear he wants to be a champion."

"Bill will not be allowed to participate in any aspect of the 5-hour program. No interviews. No canned speeches in the locker room. Nothing," said commissioner Roger Goodell. "With this punishment, we can finally put the whole scandal behind us and remind people this is a game filled with integrity, presented by Mercedes and Bud Light."

It's not just the biggest sporting event of 2015. Super Bowl XLIX is also the most important advertising day of the year, when the world's most noteworthy brands unveil their best commercials. Thanks to this handy bingo board, you can play (or drink) along as the ads are unveiled.

After the New England Patriots declared they didn't alter their footballs in any manner and attributed the fluctuations in pressure to cold temperatures, skeptics pounced. One such individual was Bill Nye, noted thermal engineering expert and all-around creepy genius, who claimed that the explanation given by the Patriots was an absolute scientific impossibility.

"It seems like all anybody cares about is scandal and cheating," said Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. "So, we decided to invent a little drama of our own by injecting ourselves with steroids during Wednesday's press conference. Unfortunately, the needles just reminded the reporters of air pumps, and they decided to ask us how we felt about the whole 'DeflateGate' thing."

The mood on Capitol Hill was somber Friday afternoon. A bipartisan committee of high-ranking officials from the Senate and the House demanded answers, and clearly there are no bigger priorities right now for our nation’s highly compensated public servants.

"I didn't know it was that bad here," he said, shaking his head and trying to take deep, relaxing breaths. "I mean, I saw some highlights during the season on SportsCenter, but I figured, hey, these guys were 5-11. It's not like they were a huge mess or something. But, man was I wrong."