The mood on Capitol Hill was somber Friday afternoon. A bipartisan committee of high-ranking officials from the Senate and the House demanded answers, and clearly there are no bigger priorities right now for our nation’s highly compensated public servants. That is why all 11 of the New England Patriots deflated balls were summoned to testify before a congressional audience.

Not only is DeflateGate, or as some people are calling it, “The Flatten That Made Indy Sadden,” not going away, but it’s literally the most important headline-stopping event in our country. Why else would valuable time and resources be invested in looking at the circumference of a football?

Unfortunately, not all of the deflated balls were available to take the stand. One of them was in Texas explaining to a superior court judge why he whipped one of his illegitimate golf balls with a three wood. Another deflated ball, a repeat offender, failed to show, knowing full-well that he would fail the required pressure-test.

Among the bipartisan committee’s concerns were the following items:
*How was Johnny Manziel supposed to autograph a football mid-play if he wasn’t aware of the proper weight and circumference beforehand? Sharpies and inflatable swans are a dangerous combination, especially with a deflated game ball.
*Is anybody going to even watch the Super Bowl now that it’s been mildly tainted? More importantly, how are we supposed to go on with our lives?
*Which part of the dirt would a deflated ball hit if it was thrown by Jay Cutler? The line of scrimmage where it normally goes or some other unforeseen area?

As of press time, none of the deflated balls had spoken before the Ways and Means Committee to address the very serious controversy now known as “Who Let the Air Out-Bill Bill Bill!”