After the New England Patriots declared they didn’t alter their footballs in any manner and attributed the fluctuations in pressure to cold temperatures, skeptics pounced. One such individual was Bill Nye, noted thermal engineering expert and all-around creepy genius, who claimed that the explanation given by the Patriots was an absolute scientific impossibility.
When news of Nye’s comments were leaked to head coach Bill Belichick and the Patriots brain trust, they came up with an unconventional, yet highly effective way to disprove the scientist’s hypothesis: they jammed that nerd into a locker.
Naturally, Belichick and team owner Robert Kraft wouldn’t come out and do the dirty work on their own. Rather, they used the laws of fluid dynamics to get some of their players to do the locker-stuffing for them. Then, of course, they cut those players because there is no connection between locker-room stuffing and CTE.
As a flailing Science Guy tried to dispel the Patriots claims by using elements of Applied Chaos Theory, he was escorted into his metallic confines by Patriots star players and noted nerd-beaters Stan Gable and Ogre, all while totally innocent bystander Tom Brady was seen talking to himself in the mirror.
As of press time Nye was still trapped in his locker, although he did try asking for help from the team janitor, whom he saw sneaking into Belichick’s office late at night to figure out the defensive assignments that had been left on the board for the Patriots players to solve.