NFL

“The ‘Mrs.’ and I have a 25th wedding anniversary vacation planned that week in April,” commissioner Roger Goodell told the NFL Network. “Besides, I have about 250,000 Marriott points about to expire, so I need to cash them in pretty quick.”

“Vikings? Really? I mean, you ever seen a guy with horns on his head?” said Peterson. “Seems crazy to me. Don’t believe in it. And taxes. Taxes, too. But that’s because it’s against my religious beliefs, or something.”

Shortly after Brian Urlacher announced his retirement from the NFL, Chicago Bears fans offered him the sincerest of congratulations and the warmest wishes in the years to come, forgetting the fact they had been calling him an asshole for the last several weeks.

"To know that the Bears were so appreciative of my efforts is really something else," said Spaeth, now with the Steelers after playing for Chicago in 2011 and 2012. "I only caught three TD passes in my two seasons with the team, but I guess that's all you need to make a name for yourself on a franchise that's been so lacking in the tight end department for decades."

"I feel I still have the ability to compete in the league," said Urlacher. "But at the end of the day I wouldn't be able to perform at the level I expect of myself. I'd just be too distracted by the urge to put on a tight-fitting white t-shirt, a single hoop earring, and cross my arms as I extoll the unmatched cleaning power of Mr. Clean products with Febreze freshness."

The procedure itself went off without a hitch but when Gronkowski awoke, he was angry and confused. He easily ripped off his restraints and shouted "GRONK SMASH!" before bashing a hole in the secret "hospital" and storming off.

"I tried leaning south, but I've completely lost the range of motion," Urlacher lamented, referring to his balky knees. "If someone could just pick me up and spin me, I'd be able to lean toward Denver or maybe even a team on the East Coast."