After a storied 13-year career that included eight Pro Bowl selections and a NFL Defensive Player of the Year award, future Hall of Fame linebacker Brian Urlacher has announced he is retiring from football in order to pursue his true passion: serving as the face of Mr. Clean cleaning products.

“This decision did not come lightly,” Urlacher told reporters at a press conference. “I feel I still have the ability to compete in the league, but at the end of the day I wouldn’t be able to perform at the level I expect of myself. I’d just be too distracted by the urge to put on a tight-fitting white t-shirt, a single hoop earring, and cross my arms as I extoll the unmatched cleaning power of Mr. Clean products with Febreze freshness.”

Once word of Urlacher’s decision was made public, retired Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis told reporters he too had been approached to be a company spokesperson, and is in talks to be the voice of the Charmin Bear.

By Jeff GoodSmith

Jeff GoodSmith