After two arm breaks, an infection and three surgeries in the past six months, New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski convinced the team to use a more radical procedure to ensure his arm will never be injured again. The Patriots sent him to renowned mutant experimenter Major William Stryker to have the bones in his ailing arm fused with the nearly-indestructible metal alloy known as adamantium. The procedure itself went off without a hitch but when Gronkowski awoke, he was angry and confused. He easily ripped off his restraints and shouted “GRONK SMASH!” before bashing a hole in the secret hospital and storming off.

Gronk left a swath of felled trees, smashed rocks, and crushed wildlife en route to the nearest town, where he yelled “GRONK NEED BEER!” The hulking tight end found a night club, where he flicked away the pesky bouncers like ants and remodeled the club’s door to be in the shape of his body as he rumbled through it. Gronk punched through the steel door of the refrigeration unit and grabbed the nearest half-barrel. He ripped the top off the keg like a normal person would a pop-top and downed the entire barrel in 10 seconds. He then wiped his mouth and bellowed “GRONK DANCE NOW!”

Gronkowski then stomped his way to the dance floor just as LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It” came on. He proceeded to perform his wild, flailing dance moves as an aghast crowd looked on. One woman got too close to the swinging adamantium arm and was knocked through the club’s ceiling. Search crews and teams of bloodhounds are still trying to figure out where she landed.

After receiving word about Gronkowski’s rampage-in-progress, coach Bill Belichick quickly raced to the club and shot his Pro Bowl tight end with a tranquilizer dart meant for an elephant. Gronk froze and fell to the floor with a booming thud, and a team of eight Patriots coaches loaded him up into the back of a truck and took him to the team facility. The team stabilized him then announced that Gronkowski would be forced to wear a shirt that says “Sorry for rampaging” during training camp.

Trailer Park Charlie