NFL

"In hindsight, yes, we should not have hired Mike and the guys from Chicago to maintain our field," said a FIFA official. "But you know how these things work. Someone's nephew needed a handout, some palms were greased and, of course, this is Chicago and FIFA we're talking about."

Last season it took the Bears 16 games to come out totally even and botch a chance at the playoffs. Dropping the final two games, either of which would’ve given them a spot in the playoffs, the Bears continued their run of ripping out the hearts of fans just like that older girl down the street did to you in junior high.

"This terrible situation has taught me a very valuable lesson," said Rice. "Never, ever hit your wife in a place where there could be security cameras recording your actions for all the world to see."

"Aw man, that lady's like a walking disease factory," said Marshall, in between coughing spells while telltale Koplik's spots began appearing on his face. "Apparently she thinks it's okay not to get vaccinated, but now look at me."

Sam, the first openly gay player ever drafted, is expected to find somebody else during the first month of the season between divisional road games against either Arizona and Seattle.

Sure, Peyton has Sirius XM and Papa John's. Brady has Under Armour. Even Jadaveon Clowney just signed a deal with Puma. But none of them have an exclusive multi-year deal with the frat house that brought you last year’s sickest party, the Kegasaurus Ice Luge Bro-Down Foam Body Shot Spring-Fling Vodkaritaville Lost Weekend.

“Look dudes. You guys know the Brycenator totally scores with all kinds of beautiful babies. I mean I am like the biggest tail hound out there. I'm just a freaking wizard with all the sexy women. Also, I’m not gay.”