NFL

"I was thinking, 'Here we go again. Another political ad.' However, when I saw Governor Quinn cutting his lawn, I got up off my couch," said Nolan. "I knew. It was the way he was using that old fashioned lawn mower. Did you see the richness of his lawn? No misplaced or torn sod, not even any brown grass. There were no puddles, no mud. I don't know how he does it."

Call Giordano's and tell them to throw a bunch of extra pies in the oven. The NFL Draft is coming to Chicago next year and that means one thing: a chance for the same morbidly obese and angry Jets and Giants fans you see on TV booing every year to come and experience Chicago.

"It's a no-brainer. When you think of Chicago, you think of Oprah," said Goodell. "I need to lay low for a while. This has to be the right thing for the NFL, right? A woman hosting the draft. That's progress, isn't it? I did good, right? See, the NFL does care."

"I've really got my hands full up here with things like ISIS, climate change, racial unrest and vast crippling poverty around the globe so thanking me for allowing you to score a touchdown, win a NASCAR race or get drafted by the 76ers is just taking my time and attention away from far greater matters that need my full focus."

Peyton Manning had a Papa John’s pizza party for his mates over the bye week, telling them they’d be watching all the Police Academy movies. He surprises them, however, by throwing in a tape from the Seattle game which leads to the team hopping on a plane to Omaha.

"Once again, the Bears completely fell apart against Green Bay, and I frankly wouldn't be surprised if we saw a super-race of cheesehead-wearing, flesh-eating zombies take over the entire Midwest," said Chicagosports.com's Steve Rosenbloom. "Sure, the team is 2-2, but Jay Cutler has almost certainly ushered in the era of disease, mayhem and destruction."

In a stunning reversal, ESPN has now reinstated ESPN columnist, Bill Simmons in a memo released in the middle of the night, after originally suspending him for three weeks. Simmons was suspended for referring to NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell as a "liar" on his B.S. Podcast.