Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Detroit Lions Are the Lions finally ready for Broadway? After a 24-17 grounding of the Jets, it looks like “Matinee” Matt Stafford and company just might finally be (the QB leads the way with 2 TD passes and a TD scamper).
9 – Dallas Cowboys How ‘bout them Cowboys!?! I know, I can’t believe I’m writing this either, but after a 38-17 slobber-knocker smashing of the Saints, the Boys are 3-1. Demarco “Machete” Murray cuts through N.O. for 149 yards and 2 scores.
8 – San Diego Chargers Jags jacked up in ole Jack Murphy stadium! Chargers lay down the lightning 33-14 as, for the second straight week, “Electric” Eddie Royal scores on two airstrikes from Phillip Rivers.
7 – Denver Broncos (Bye) Peyton Manning had a Papa John’s pizza party for his mates over the bye week, telling them they’d be watching all the Police Academy movies. He surprises them, however, by throwing in a tape from the Seattle game which leads to the team hopping on a plane to Omaha.
6 – Philadelphia Eagles This week’s Master of Disaster: Philly Defense/Special teams – 3 TDs. This week’s disaster: Chip Kelly’s “O” – 0 points, only 217 yards in 26-21 loss to 49ers at Blue Jeans Stadium.
5 – Arizona Cardinals (Bye) “Dancin” Drew Stanton & Honey Badger spent the bye week performing an off-off-off Broadway version of “Rocky” at the Hooters in Tempe.
4 – Baltimore Ravens Never piss off “Slaughterhouse” Steve Smith, baby! The Wide Receiver of the Apocalypse annihilates his former team (7 catches/139 yards/2 TDs) in 38-10 Raven route of the Carolina Panthers.
3 – Cincinnati Bengals (Bye) Bengals coach Marvin Lewis spent the off week in his yard practicing throwing the challenge flag. The mailman got really confused.
2 – Seattle Seahawks (Bye) After a 12-cavity dental checkup, Marshawn Lynch checked into Skittles rehab. Russell Wilson inched closer to Peyton Manning’s season record for commercials.
1 – Oakland Raiders The statisticians are still translating the numbers from the Silver & Black’s game in England vs. Miami from the metric system to American numbers, but we’ll just assume the Raiders won about 34-14. By the way, I was in Predator, not Predator 2. Danny Glover was in Predator 2.

Program note – The October 5th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will be televised from a public storage unit. Marv forgot to pay our studio bill. We couldn’t get a comedian who does good celebrity impressions for a hilarious comedy routine/bad game picks segment so we’ll probably fill that time with a hot dog eating contest between the ’85 Bears and the ’83 Raiders. Bring your wet naps!

Patrick O. Elia