NBA

"On the basketball court I'm lobbing up 20 to 25 shots a game so I don't have to worry about playing defense," said Ellis. "But in this case they're the ones who are lobbing shots my way, but instead of shots, it's damning evidence like copies unsolicited cell phone photos of my penis that I sent to a woman who worked for the team."

"What a moron!" exclaimed Pujols. "I'm like 20 years older than him and I got myself a 10-year, quarter billion dollar deal! He didn't even bother to screw over all his devoted fans. Such a joke."

"Kobe has done so much for the organization," said owner Jerry Buss. "We felt we couldn't let him wave bye-bye to the $360 million he has made during his tenure as a Laker. As soon as the papers are signed, the team is prepared to offer him a contract that will recoup anything he loses to Vanessa."

In the wake of the Chicago Bulls signing guard Richard “Rip” Hamilton to the team before the shortened season begins, they shored up the backcourt with a complementary signing of WWI veteran Richard Harrow.

“'Paul to the Clippers'?” asked a UCLA student. “I think I saw on IMDB that's Quentin Tarantino's new flick about strippers in New Mexico who seek revenge against the corrupt school boards.”

"We had a lot of extra money lying around so we asked different charity cases to submit letters stating why they could use a little extra cabbage around the holidays," said acting Trailblazers GM Chad Buchanan. "This guy Greg Oden completely won over our hearts. We gave him the whole $8.9 million from the gift fund."

“He defends and hits the mid-range jumper,” said Thibodeau. “Even more important than that, he drives his kids around in a minivan. Young players on our squad can learn from that.”