MLB

“I just needed some time off,” said Bolt, lounging in a hammock. “And I figured who better than Tony to keep me in the Gold, as we say in the biz. Little did I know he’d break my world record!”

Many professional athletes have deferred money for the good of their team, but Alex Rodriguez just took things to a whole new level. Rodriguez, once called a “selfish 24+1 player,” proved just the opposite today when he came to terms on a five-year, $100 million contract with star free agent Jose Reyes.

Jonathan Papelbon will be leaving the Red Sox to blow crucial saves for the Phillies after signing a fat free-agent contract with Philly earlier today that pays him $40 million over four years.

Kidnapped Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was allowed to make one phone call to the media Thursday night but instead of conveying demands for ransom money or ensuring family members of his own safety, he used the time to make what he felt was a much more serious announcement.

"I'm so excited about this new 'Manager for a Year' promotion," said new Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein. "I can't really think of any viable managerial candidates for this team other than the wildly successful manager I used to work with, Terry Francona. So we decided to open up the search a little bit to our loyal and smart fans."

A few days after it was unveiled outside his restaurant, the statue of Albert Pujols was spotted running for the Amtrak station in St. Louis to catch a midnight train to Anaheim.

Recently fired Cubs manager Mike Quade told all fans Thursday not to worry about him as he will be just fine after landing the "perfect fallback job" at a local Midas automotive shop.