Cubs speedster Tony Campana won Gold in the 100 meters at the World Championships over the weekend, running for Jamaica in Usain Bolt’s stead.

“I just needed some time off,” said Bolt, lounging in a hammock. “And I figured who better than Tony to keep me in the Gold, as we say in the biz. Little did I know he’d break my world record!”

Campana, who clocked a 9.56 in the race, now holds the record for the fastest legal time in the history of the race.

“It was just good to get some work!” said the excitable little speedster. “I spent so much time on the bench last year at Wrigley, I had all this pent-up energy to get out of my system … and Mr. Dempster hasn’t taken me to Chuck E Cheese for like two whole weeks!”

By George Ellis. Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Heckler George