MLB

New Cubs manager Dale Sveum has promised to change the culture of the Lovable Losers by attempting to get the club back to fundamentals. While one might think this means simple fielding, listening and hustling plays, Sveum has come up with an extremely original idea regarding the fundamentally inept left fielder Alfonso Soriano.

Employing the same formula that brought them championships in 1997 and 2003, the Miami Marlins announced that they have signed free agents Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Ryan Madson and immediately began planning the fire sale that has shortly followed those two World Series titles.

With the announcement that Dale Sveum will become the new Cubs manager, many fans were left wondering exactly what it is the former Brewers hitting coach has that caught the eye of Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer. At today's press conference, the only conditions of Sveum's hiring were revealed.

“We believe that ‘Chicago Cubs 2012: Sink or Sveum’ perfectly captures the low expectations everyone has for this team moving forward,” said Director of Marketing Floyd Roxton. “Dale won’t have any idea what hit him when Zambrano melts down in a meaningless Spring Training game, and balls start bouncing off Soriano’s head.”

Dale Sveum managed the Brewers for the final 12 games of 2008 and helped them secure their first playoff berth since 1982, but that wasn’t good enough for Milwaukee, who refused to bring Sveum back as skipper for 2009. Now word is that the Cubs have made an offer to Sveum for their managerial vacancy.

Former Red Sox skipper Terry Francona has announced he will not manage a team next season, as the only available job left is with the Chicago Cubs.

“C’mon, man! I’ll totally undermine all your efforts if you just give me a chance!” Zambrano shouted during their recent meeting. “You’ve never known shame like the kind I can bring you!”