Citing a deep desire to embarrass someone besides former Cubs GM Jim Hendry for a change, maligned pitcher Carlos Zambrano pleaded with new team president Theo Epstein to keep him on the roster.

“C’mon, man! I’ll totally undermine all your efforts if you just give me a chance!” Zambrano shouted during their recent meeting. “You’ve never known shame like the kind I can bring you!”

Zambrano, who famously quit on the team last season after years of wild antics and disappointing performances, says he has learned from his mistakes.

“No more hitting Gatorade coolers or teammates,” he said. “From now on, I’m going to be attacking umps and people just like you, Theo. I might even punch Tom Ricketts or Jed Hoyer in the face if that’s what it takes to overshadow any other positive moves you make this off-season.”

Heckler George