With the announcement that Dale Sveum will become the new Cubs manager, many fans were left wondering exactly what it is the former Brewers hitting coach has that caught the eye of Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer. At today’s press conference, the only conditions of Sveum’s hiring were revealed.

Sveum and Epstein both informed reporters today that Sveum would have been hired earlier except he had to pre-heat some 50,000 pizza bites, then strategically place them along I-94 between Milwaukee and Chicago in order to entice the rotund first baseman to play for the Cubs.

“Heating pizza bites is an art,” said Sveum. But it’s an art I learned spending time with Prince. The big fella loves him some pizza bites!”

Fielder was last seen walking on an offramp near Kenosha–reportedly heading to a 7-Eleven to wash down his 26,432 pizza bites with a Big Gulp of Diet Coke. “Gotta maintain the figure. Sticking with Diet Coke today,” Fielder said.

When asked what strategies he plans to employ in order to turn the Cubs around, Sveum stated, “Strategies? I had two requirements to get this job. Get Prince here and keep cookin’ up some pizza bite lovin’!”

Hoyer confirmed the approach.

“Yeah, we don’t expect him to coach,” said Hoyer. “But we expect him to cook.  I mean, c’mon, until we dump Zambrano’s crazy ass, nobody can really coach here–not with him always screaming in the locker room in a Tourette’s like fashion.  Dale just needs to feed Prince the good stuff.”

In related news stocks for local pizza chain, Giordanos hit record highs upon hearing of Fielder’s transfer.

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