MLB

"Apparently Mr. Epstein felt as though he had run out of options to rid the Cubs of the $54 million they still have committed to Mr. Soriano over the next three seasons," said Chicago FD inspector Frank Stanton. "In what can be best described as desperate hysteria, Mr. Epstein believed lighting all 500 pages of Mr. Soriano's contract would somehow void the deal."

Former Cubs GM Jim Hendry -- down-and-out and reportedly "extremely" intoxicated -- was arrested over the holiday weekend trying to break into Wrigley Field while dressed as Santa Claus.

Giants fans throughout the country have been in complete shock this off-season as GM Brian Sabean has so far restrained himself from signing a washed-up guy in his 30s or 40s.

"Our offices are a real mess," said GM Kenny Williams. "Mark gave us a chance to compete with Miami's offer but I couldn't find the paperwork in time. Turns out I filed it in the John Danks folder so he wound up getting Mark's deal. What a disaster."

The Los Angeles Angels quickly moved to void the 10-year, $254 million deal they handed Albert Pujols after a document surfaced from the Dominican Republic noting the slugger's year of birth as 1966.

Following the high-profile signings of Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson for a combined $335 million, the Angels have announced a "modest price increase" of 240 percent on all seats in Angel Stadium.

"In looking at our pitching staff, we realized we couldn’t possibly afford to make our bullpen any weaker than it already is,” said Cubs president Crane Kenney. “So we decided to send Heckler Editor-In-Chief Brad Zibung to Cincinnati and keep Marshall for another year."