MLB

When the Red Sox visited Wrigley Field this weekend, everyone expected Theo Epstein to have mixed emotions when facing his old team, but no one thought he'd react quite the way he did when the Cubs president locked himself in Boston's clubhouse and refused to leave until he was granted out of his five-year contract with Chicago.

"I don't care if everyone says [Matt] Cain is a great guy," said Phil Ramirez, whose fantasy team, Smack my Pitch Up is in 10th place in his 12-team league. "I forgot to start him last night and because of that he's an asshole."

A janitor at the Cubs offices reports following a cloaked and seemingly hoofed figure out of the building, where it reportedly “looked a squirrel dead” and disappeared into an alley.

An unnamed Cubs executive has explained the “difference in philosophy” that got Rudy Jaramillo fired as the well-paid hitting coach's reluctance to use the "towel drill," a long-time staple of the coaching staff.

"The letters began in 2007 when I received the first, 'I might die if you leave us' letter came," said Konerko. "I figured it was him after I rejected his advances and he said 'You gotta be bleepin me!' He then tried to kiss me."

While the Cubs season continues to swirl around the drain, Theo Epstein celebrated his first milestone since taking over as team president this winter when he downed his 1,000th bottle of Jim Beam during Wednesday night's 8-0 loss to the Brewers in Milwaukee.