The world suddenly looked brighter for Cub fans on Monday when Theo Epstein, Jed Hoyer and the gang took down the evil empire New York Yankees to sign the hottest new player out of Cuba, Jorge Soler. Since then, things have been on an upswing on the field, as well, with the club winning a couple games.
But the key to this new success remains as shrouded in mystery as the rest of Cubdom, all because of a shadowy, mysterious figure seen leaving Epstein’s office late Sunday. A janitor at the Cubs offices reports following a cloaked and seemingly hoofed figure out of the building, where it reportedly “looked a squirrel dead” and disappeared into an alley.
“Ha hah! The very idea that I could be trading players’ souls to the devil is laughable,” Epstein responded to reporters. “Their union would never approve that. Then again, just try taking that guy to court. His lawyers are awesome. I mean they would be. Theoretically. If they existed.”
But with Samardzija suddenly having starter-type stuff and Soriano increasing his trade value by hitting home runs on legs that appear to be broken, fans are beginning to wonder exactly how their new team president does business.
“Would I trade my soul for a Cubs championship?” mused fan Jay Glowinski. “At these prices I feel like I already have! Sorry, that was dumb. Yes. Yes I would.”