Since the 2007 season, Paul Konerko has received numerous love letters from an anonymous source. Usually the letters are pretty vague, discussing a general admiration for Konerko’s stance, leadership skills, and turtle-like running style, but this year’s MVP-level numbers have pushed the admiration into insanity.

After a series of robberies and garbage sift-through’s, it was found that Konerko’s longtime stalker is actually White Sox broadcaster Hawk Harrelson.

Konerko was shaken after multiple run-ins with an unknown man, later to be discovered to be Harrelson, who would try to discuss playing golf in heaven, or coming with him to meet “Yaz.”

“The letters began in 2007 when I received the first, ‘I might die if you leave us’ letter came,” said Konerko. “I figured it was him after I rejected his advances and he said ‘You gotta be bleepin me!’ He then tried to kiss me.”

Harrelson was embarrassed of his behavior, and doctors have recommended that he stay away from the White Sox until Konerko’s batting average drops below .350.

“I tell ya what, that Pauly, he’s all we got,” said Harrelson. “Now that [Mark] Buehrle’s in Florida, whose garbage am I supposed to look through?”

Brew Dreesus