When the Red Sox visited Wrigley Field this weekend, everyone expected Theo Epstein to have mixed emotions when facing his old team, but no one thought he’d react quite the way he did when the Cubs president locked himself in Boston’s clubhouse and refused to leave until he was granted out of his five-year contract with Chicago.

“I made a terrible choice. I really, really did,” Epstein shouted through the clubhouse door while Tom Ricketts and Crane Kenney tried to talk him out. “All I want to do is go back to Boston and have people tell me how smart I am again. Those were the days.”

When Ricketts and Kenney seemed determined to talk Epstein out of his hysterics, the young Cubs president said he would consider leaving the clubshouse if Boston would make terrible another Marlon Byrd-style trade with him, ideally for Alfonso Soriano or “pretty much anyone else on this god-forsaken team.”