MLB

The company will now offer free stock in the New York Mets with the purchase of a large soda at retail price. McDonald's also said that it had at one point considered just placing stock on the Dollar Menu, but $1 per share was deemed to be far too expensive for part ownership in the Mets.

The bad luck continues for Chris Volstad. After the Reds pushed the struggling righty's winless streak to 24 this weekend, he had time to reflect on all the other things in his life that he also not winning at since the streak started on July 17, 2011.

Bud Selig spoke publicly Thursday for the first time since Melky Cabrera's 50-game suspension for a positive drug test was announced a day before, but rather than address media questions about the topic he deferred to the day's other baseball news.

“I’m not going to pay 12 bucks a ticket and $3.50 for a beer just to watch some double-A nobodies!” said Iowan Jud Purdue. “Logan Watkins?! Who is this schlub? I want real triple-A players. And at least a one quadruple-A stud.”

A month-long investigation by the NYPD into the mysterious ineptness of the New York Mets to win games since the All-Star break has finally come up fruitful as manager Terry Collins, general manager Sandy Alderson, and numerous members of the Mets' bullpen have been indicted for taking bribes to have the team lose nearly every game they play.

As the White Sox maintain their slim first-place lead over the Tigers, its fan base is finally showing so much interest in the team that its bandwagon has been upgraded to a "bitchin'" 50-foot long Camaro.

“We know the Black Sox were there. If we can just find enough dirt on other teams, we can force them to forfeit games, and the World Series title can then be awarded to the Cubs!" said Epstein. "We should be able to get one championship, and with luck, maybe two or three over the last hundred or so years."