After noting the Penn State sanctions that vacated many of the university’s wins over the last 13 years, Cubs GM Theo Epstein and staff have abandoned their strategy to build a future winner, and have instead hired detectives to look for any punishable offenses over the last hundred years by key Cub rivals.

“We know the Black Sox were there. If we can just find enough dirt on other teams, we can force them to forfeit games, and the World Series title can then be awarded to the Cubs!” said Epstein. “We should be able to get one championship, and with luck, maybe two or three over the last hundred or so years.”

“It’s a much quicker way to get some titles, and can you imagine the party in Wrigleyville if we announce we just won in 1950, 1972, and 1985?”

Epstein has traded away key prospects for cash to pay the detectives investigating every team that has finished ahead of the Cubs since 1908.

“It can be tough,” he admitted. “In some years, we need to have twenty to twenty-five teams disqualified before we are awarded the trophy, but we think we can do it while remaining true to the Cubs Way.”