Golf

"I know there's a big age difference, but what can I say, it just works with Keegan and me," said Mickelson. "I can't live without him. I just hope Amy and the kids understand."

"President Obama has practically declared a war on American golf," said Romney. "Under his watch, American participation at all levels in this grand sport has plummeted. When I'm elected, I pledge to get Americans back on the golf course where they belong."

"Tiger's great and claims he's gotten his partying days behind him, but I'm not so sure" said Vonn, referring to the very public 2009 meltdown of Woods' marriage amid rumors of vast and wild infidelity. "The other day I got a series of sexts from him that were totally hot, only he kept calling me 'Chastity' during them, which was kind of weird."

During a morning of controversy at the Masters surrounding a two-stroke penalty for Tiger Woods triggered by a TV viewer's phone call, Phil Mickelson shot a Augusta National course record 48 with no cameras there to broadcast it live or gallery to see it in person.

"Oh wow, Tiger dropped a little white ball two yards from where he was supposed to drop it?" asked Bryant. "And now they're having a big press conference about it and all the stations are treating it as if he murdered someone?"

Editor's note: The following article is taken from The Heckler North Korea, which is under full control of Democratic People's Republic of Korea and publishes news at the full discretion of Respected Comrade Kim Jong-un.

"Sometimes, I'll be out here edging the lawn and I'll see him riding his John Deere in his Masters Jacket. 'Hey Arn, I've got two more of these.' He'll hold up two fingers. The guy is just insufferable."