Editor’s note: The following article is taken from The Heckler North Korea, which is under full control of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and publishes news at the full discretion of Respected Comrade Kim Jong-un.
This past weekend Tiger Woods won the Bridgestone Title, marking the eighth time that he has accomplished this feat. Woods even shot a 61 on the second round, tying a personal best. However, this personal accomplishment was no match for the record set by our Supreme and Glorious Leader Kim Jong Il.
Our Leader’s record which will stand for all eternity is a 38. During this golf trip, Glorious Leader shot five holes-in-one on the greatest golf course in the Universe, the PyongYang Municipal Greens. It is an undisputed fact that the game of Golf was invented in North Korea and our Loving and Caring Father (trademarked) shot a 38 his first time ever golfing. Father Bear who loves us and protects us, did all this while at the same time using a magical twin dragon rainbow to combat the threat of imperialist aggression from the Satanic Overloards of the United States of American Destructionism.
It is written in the future that our Sun God’s 38 may only be broken if his son, the Noble and All Loving Kim Jong-un, chooses to leave the demilitarized zone where he is single-handedly thwarting an attack from our enemy combatants to save us from the oppressive threat of fully functioning democracy. Only in that event will Masterful Kim Jong-Un be seen on the golf course of the people where he will forego a golf cart so that he may ride a Giant Rabbit-Unicorn who also flies over your houses at night to make sure that your children have enough food to eat and your television is always set to the state controlled NKTV news outlet.
When asked for comment, Tiger Woods, who of course learned how to play golf from the mighty North Koreans at Kim Jong Suk Glorious School for Golf and all that is good with North Korea or you will be sent to a Labor Camp said the following: “I dedicate my victory at Bridgestone to the most wonderful nation-state in the cosmos. People who dishonor the republic deserve to be brandished for their infidelity. All Hail Fearless Planetary Leader and may America be destroyed in a fiery inferno caused by an inter-galactic python which the children of Wonderful Republic of North Korea will ride into the Evil Republic of America while firing Lazers at the evil free-market economy oppressors.”