Saturday, May 21, 2022

John Fox prepares for new ESPN job by dodging his own questions

“I started preparing by interviewing myself in the mirror. It’s interesting how my answers are thorough with surprisingly little substance. This job may be harder than it seems.”

1,908 billy goats rescued at Wrigley Field before sacrificial ritual

“You see, when teams are struggling for a long time, they tend to get a little desperate,” said Chicago police officer Bob Jones. “Lose for over a century, and then something like this happens.”

ESPN still planning to go through with Saints-Bears broadcast

"At this point, we've yet to find a suitable replacement," said an ESPN spokesperson. "We thought about maybe having two high school teams square off instead, but the logistics are difficult given noise ordinances at most high school stadiums. As you know, Jon Gruden can be heard screaming for miles in all directions."

ESPN to start airing Celebrity Strip Poker specials

"Of course we're excited," said ESPN President John Skipper. "What woman in America is not tuning in for the chance to see Adam [Levine], Pharrell [Williams] or Blake [Shelton] lose their shirt? Women are gonna be praying for Adam to fold."

ESPN on Simmons suspension: ‘We got it wrong’

In a stunning reversal, ESPN has now reinstated ESPN columnist, Bill Simmons in a memo released in the middle of the night, after originally suspending him for three weeks. Simmons was suspended for referring to NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell as a "liar" on his B.S. Podcast.

Simmons planning 30 for 30 on his suspension

"He needs to realize he can't say these types of comments about the NFL Commissioner. The NFL makes lots of money for ESPN. I mean, like, crazy money for us. Roger Goodell is a great man and a great leader. Plus he knows that ESPN and the NFL are in bed together."

ESPN fires Stephen A. Smith for smoking pot

"Mr. Smith made an unforgivable mistake: he smoked weed," said ESPN program director Chip Benson. "His argument that women are to blame for physical abuse by their boyfriends and husbands is classic Stephen. Good stuff, really. But getting high in the parking lot after his show? That's simply unacceptable."