With opening night just a few days away and their bleachers undergoing a longer rebuilding phase than the team, Chicago’s favorite bar ballpark finds itself facing negative publicity after 1,908 billy goats were rescued from sacrificial execution in the Cubs locker room.
According to reports, police were called to the field after local residents complained of loud and indistinguishable whining and crying coming from inside the park.
Originally fearing that the noise was stemming from Carlos Zambrano breaking his restraining order from anything Cubs related, the police took caution as to watch out for flying bats and wild pitches.
Upon further investigation, however, the strange noise led police to the Cubs locker room, where they discovered the billy goats being prepped for a sacrifice to the baseball gods.
“You see, when teams are struggling for a long time, they tend to get a little desperate,” said Chicago police officer Bob Jones. “Lose for over a century, and then something like this happens.”
With baseball players being notorious for their superstitious rituals, the police explained that it was no surprise to find historic Cubs items such as Mark Prior’s calf implants, Kerry Wood’s elbow tendon and beard hair, as well as Alfonso Soriano’s contract to be used as part of the ritual.
“Luckily, we arrived just in time before they began the actual sacrificial killing of the billy goats,” said Officer Jones. “If we hadn’t, the goats would have been subjected to death via multiple Michael Barrett sucker punches.”