Under the cover of darkness, team personnel cloaked in black removed all teddy bears and other stuffed animals, as well as security blankets and pacifiers from the players’ hotel rooms and visitors’ clubhouse.
At a Mirage Hotel press conference, home town heroes Harper and Bryant explained why they will now continue the legacy of iconic Las Vegas illusionists Siegfried & Roy rather than play baseball.
"When they said I was the longest-tenured Cubs player, I thought, wait that can't be right," Bryant told reporters. "I feel like Rizzo's been with us for a while, but apparently he wasn't even on the roster as of June of 2012. So, huh, I guess my less-than-a-year with the team makes me the most veteran member on the club."
Bryant’s agent, Scott Boras, renegotiated the third baseman’s contract to include a selection of magazines and newspapers that will be housed in his client’s new commode.
Team officials announced this morning that the 14-foot-high tribute would be set in the middle of the intersection of Clark and Addison so passing motorists wouldn’t have to get out of their cars to take selfies near it. And if anyone questions why such an honor was being afforded Bryant, well, you know, he’s "super good," according to a Cubs spokesperson.
"I’m sorry, but I’m not going to stand for these vicious actions any longer. These barbaric tactics need to cease. Won’t you please join me in signing this petition to stop the heinous and suffocating actions of the Cubs front office?"