Following Wednesday’s 11-1 shellacking by the Phillies, the coddled Cubs had their creature comforts of home taken away on all road trips for the remainder of the season in hopes that the drastic move would shake the players out of their season-long, away from home suckfest. Under the cover of darkness, team personnel cloaked in black removed all teddy bears and other stuffed animals, as well as security blankets and pacifiers from the players’ hotel rooms and visitors’ clubhouse.

“This was a literal wake up call,” said Cubs President Theo Epstein. “You should have seen Rizzo’s reaction when we pried away the life-size Clark the Cub doll he was nuzzling up with. It’s not a pretty sight seeing a 30-year-old sob that hysterically.”

All told, more than 100 items were removed from players and coaches, including several frilly pillows, a dozen Snuggies, and 25 pairs of footy pajamas from Joe Maddon’s suitcase.

“I can’t believe Theo took away my stuffed pig Dumpling, he’s my road-trip best bud,” said a sniffling Kris Bryant. “Could I have him back the next time I get a hit with runners in scoring position? Oh man, I’m really screwed!”

Jeremy Barewin