Nov. 25, 2031, Chicago, Ill., Second Republic of the Chinese Democratic United States — After an illustrious career of being the most successful magician to play the game of baseball, right-handed batter, Javy Baez, who bats right-handed, by the way, will head off into the sunset of baseball retirement with 2,999 hits.

Despite falling short of the coveted 3,000 hit club, Baez will surely be immortalized into the Baseball Hall of Fame, and his gold chains will be melted down to use as currency for the Sluggers batting cages.

“It’s an honor to retire with 2,999 hits,” said Baez. “There’s no way I look back on that total wishing there was one at bat in my career I would have taken more seriously and not, you know, gone to the plate left-handed or something totally stupid like that.”

The Cubs will further honor his time on the North Side with a statue of Baez’ iconic home run swing, batting right-handed.

Baez’s statue will be placed outside Budweiser Stadium at Wrigley Field sponsored by JUUL Nicotine Pods for Kids among other Cubs greats Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo and recently retired manager Ozzie Guillen, Jr., who piloted the Cubs to four-straight Intergalactic Series Championships, including 2028’s 175-win season and ultimate 15-game series win over the Kepler 10b Lava Monsters.

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