Injuries

Blackhawks center Dave Bolland powered his team to a big 7-2 win over Vancouver Tuesday night, staving off playoff elimination for at least another day. It was Bolland's first game in more than a month after he was forced to the sidelines with a concussion. He's now recommending the same thing for his struggling teammates.

“This was the first case I’d ever seen of a man having more ham than hamstring in his body, truly a marvel of modern medicine,” reported an anonymous doctor.

Cubs outfielder Marlon Byrd returned to baseball this week after getting hit in the face with a pitch last month in Boston. During his first minor league rehab game for the Triple-A Iowa Cubs, Byrd got hit by another pitch, this one in the back. It was just another in a long line of ignored warnings from the baseball gods that Byrd immediately leave the sport.

Speculation of wrongdoing began when an unnamed source leaked information that the cash-strapped Wilpons secretly cut the medical budget by 75 percent after the disastrous 2009 season, which saw almost every player on the Mets roster land on the disabled list.

"It sucks, bro," said Kane, who uses the injured left hand primarly for lifting pints, shots and Jager bombs. "That's my go-to boozing arm. It leaves my right hand free for scoring digits from the babes, taking cell phone photos and keeping cab drivers in line."

“It’s so annoying,” said Eli during a press conference Thursday. “Peyton gets all of this attention because of his stupid neck. I have a neck too! I can get hurt too! You watch. I know I can get hurt."

"While we all wish Manning a speedy recovery from what must be a very painful neck injury, fantasy owners who have Manning on their team need to know how to deal with their own pain in the neck," said Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football Reporter Cody Findlay.