An MRI this week revealed complications with Yankees resurgent starter’s Bartolo Colon’s left leg. Enzo Desepilo of New York Presbyterian Hospital found nothing. Literally nothing.
“It’s easy to speculate that it’s a hamstring strain when an athlete grabs the back of his upper leg,” Desepilo said, “but the MRI revealed that Mr. Colon does not actually have hamstrings.”
“This was the first case I’d ever seen of a man having more ham than hamstring in his body, truly a marvel of modern medicine,” reported an anonymous doctor.
A case like this, however, is not without precedent in Yankees’ lore. Michael Kay is currently in filming for Cecil Fielder’s “Yankeeography” where it will be revealed that the gargantuan slugger was “pure lard … devoid of any musculature typical of a human being.”
The injury couldn’t have come at a worse time for the pitching-strapped Yankees, who are reportedly working out, “El Guapo,” Rich Garces, to fill the gaping hole left by Colon in their pitching staff.
Stadium officials were also hit for a loop. One executive revealed plans to honor the rotund righty in a late June pre-game ceremony.
“With Jetes on the verge of 3000 hits, we also planned to celebrate Bartolo’s 3000th Yankee Stadium hotdog,” said the team official. “We hoped they’d happen on the same day, but now that both are on the DL we’ll have to wait it out for a while.”