News that Patrick Kane will require wrist surgery has potential ramifications both on and off the ice. While doctors expect Kane to make a full recovery in time for training camp, he will miss six to eight weeks of the prime summer drinking season.
“It sucks, bro,” said Kane, who uses the injured left hand primarly for lifting pints, shots and Jager bombs. “That’s my go-to boozing arm. It leaves my right hand free for scoring digits from the babes, taking cell phone photos and keeping cab drivers in line.”
The expected surgery could mean shutting down Kane for the remainder of the summer.
“Deck drinks, boat drinks, pub crawls and just run of the mill lifting handles of Jack Daniel’s are all going to be strictly off limits,” according to team physician Michael Terry. “We know this isn’t how Pat hoped his summer would end.”
“It’s totally bogus,” added Kane.
Bartenders from Buffalo, N.Y., to Rush Street are likely to sport black armbands in response to the sad and shocking news. Not everyone was disappointed however. Members of the Buffalo police department and area taxicab drivers seemed relieved by the reports. Buffalo police sergeant Chris Fox was quoted as saying, “Frankly, we could use the break – no pun intended.”
Submitted by Nick Kotwica