Bat boys historically have viewed Cubs players as larger-than-life miracle men who can do anything, including visit sick people in the hospital and hit home runs and throw shutouts for them. These young people, whose job is sponsored by Walgreens Corporation, collect bats dropped at Wrigley’s hallowed home plate and have a seat with their name on it in the Cubs dugout among their heroes.

During Saturday’s 13-3 trouncing at the hands of the Marlins at Wrigley Field, however, Cubs bat boy Phillip Marston inexplicably walked out of the Cubs dugout and into the Florida dugout along the first base line as Marlins player Mike Stanton was rounding the bases on a three-run homer, making the score 11-0 Marlins.

“I guess I’m no longer a kid,” said Marston, who is 13 years old. “I’m just another cynical adult who realizes the Cubs are a pathetic bunch of losers.”

While in the Marlins dugout, Marston asked for and received an application for employment as Marlins bat boy. Manager Jack McKeon is pleased and recommends Marston be hired.

“The kid has heart,” McKeon said. “I know he has heart because the Cubs ripped it right out of him and he included it with his application when he handed it to me.”

Sadie Gallagher of Walgreens Corporate office in Deerfield, IL said that a transfer of bat boy Phillip to Florida can be arranged since there are Walgreens stores in Miami and the sponsorship would not be lost on Marlins fans.

“There are Walgreens stores all over the country,” Gallagher said. “Walgreens is prepared to handle any number of Cubs bat boy transfer requests that Phillip has most likely initiated.”

By Rob C. Christiansen