Sunday, December 10, 2023

NHL to play during halftime of NBA games

“Most owners like the deal because stadiums will already be full. Players like it because they get paid to do one-third of the work,” said mediator Ron Carter. “And Commissioner Bettman is ecstatic because it abolishes all Canadian teams except for one.”

Facebook bans all fantasy football-related status updates

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg today announced a ban on all status updates about users' fantasy football teams, citing millions of annoyed subscribers.

Bettman responds to criticism and threats by puffing-out like a blowfish

Experts speculate that the spikes are normally hidden beneath Bettman’s cheap suits, ready to display whenever his species feels cornered.

Jets lineman to IR with butt injury after boneheaded Mark Sanchez play

"Whether or not he needs a colostomy remains to be seen," Whitman said. "We are also running tests to see if Mark is suffering from concussion problems after the play."

NHL cancels holidays, month of December, passing of year

“If we’re going to get serious about playing hockey in 2012, this ticking of time thing has got to stop,” said Bettman. “I decree it perpetually November 21 until further notice.”

Sox fans rejoice: 2013 ticket price decrease means stadium binge drinking increase

"This is the happiest day since I started receiving workers compensation in 2006," said 46-year-old Jim Stevens, construction worker and Sox fan. "Now I can use this extra cash to put away three more rounds and have no recollection of yelling at umpires incoherently."

Comatose Bettman mistaken for zombie, stabbed in head

The injury, oddly, had almost no effect on Bettman, who is expected to recover fully. After the pencil was removed, much of the shrapnel remained in the victim’s head, but, according to doctors, this hasn’t yet affected his normal state.