Monday, October 18, 2021

Winner of Sept. 17 Ohio State-Miami game will be awarded immunity from NCAA sanctions

When the Ohio State Buckeyes meet the Miami Hurricanes on Sept. 17 there will be much more at stake than just a football game. In an out-of-character move, the NCAA announced the winner of this match-up of corrupt programs will be awarded immunity from any pending sanctions for off-field impropriety. The loser will become the first school since SMU in 1987 to receive the “death penalty.”

Bloody, combative Andrew Shaw removed from elf duties at local mall

“Some kids started asking Santa too many questions,” said Shaw. “So I asked them if they wanted to dance, dropped my little green gloves and went to town. I didn’t think it was a big deal since we were about the same size.”

Juice scandal rocks Little League World Series

The sports world was rocked today by the revelation that a majority of the Little League World Series players in the championship game tested positive for juice. “We’re stunned,” said LLWS executive director Greg Anderson. “This is not part of our core values.”

Bettman admits to suspending ailing Toews ‘for fun’

“This commissioner gig is pretty sweet if you can get it,” said Bettman. “I must admit, it certainly makes me chuckle thinking how mad Johnny must be, with his little serious cheeks, and that he’s too weak to summon the energy."