SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—The sports world was rocked today by the revelation that a majority of the Little League World Series players in the championship game tested positive for juice. “We’re stunned,” said LLWS executive director Greg Anderson. “This is not part of our core values.”
Officials became suspicious yesterday when players from both the Japanese team and the Lewisberry, Penn., team seemed unusually refreshed, sunny, and even friendly with their opponents. Surprisingly long lines for the bathrooms triggered a formal investigation, which revealed irrefutable physical evidence of the juicing.
“The scene in the dugouts was not pretty,” Anderson said ruefully. “There were used straws lying all over the ground, including evidence of straw sharing. Tropicana swag was in plain view, as were discarded plastic bottles that were clearly used for clandestine juice sipping.”
The players have denied the accusations, and it is unclear whether the teams will be stripped of their championship game medals. Officials are casting a wide net in the search for the juice supplier, and are questioning an unlicensed nutritionist from Florida as a person of interest.
When asked about past juicing, Anderson acknowledged the possibility. “If not for the fact that these Little Leaguers timed their consumption wrong yesterday, this abuse may have gone undetected for years. It is difficult to have the seedy underbelly of the beast exposed for the world to see.”
By SMH and Jim Taylor