Friday, April 12, 2024

Cardinals execs awarded medal of freedom for breaching China’s websites

“First in the Central Division. First in the National League. First in violating cyber-security worldwide, every American is grateful for the Cardinals diligence in cracking these uber-secured websites,” Mr. Obama said in a White House Rose Garden ceremony.

Cardinals fan credits perfect bracket to his no-nonsense, old school approach to bracketology

When asked for his secret, Derusso credited his no-nonsense, oldschool approach to bracketology that he attributed to the St. Louis style of baseball he so strongly supports, as well as general inexperience and pure luck.

O’Hare flight makes emergency landing on Joe Buck’s forehead

“You know, I just did what any other good-headed, I mean hearted, citizen would do in that situation,” said the 45-year-old Buck, with the plane’s tire marks still just barely visible on his alien-like cranium.

Michael Sam expected to become first openly gay NFL player to cheat on his...

Sam, the first openly gay player ever drafted, is expected to find somebody else during the first month of the season between divisional road games against either Arizona and Seattle.

Totally straight guy who hooks up with ‘tons of hot chicks’ says he’s OK...

“Look dudes. You guys know the Brycenator totally scores with all kinds of beautiful babies. I mean I am like the biggest tail hound out there. I'm just a freaking wizard with all the sexy women. Also, I’m not gay.”

Game 5 of Hawks/Blues series will start in overtime to save everyone the trouble

"Listen, when the Hawks and Blues face off in the playoffs, we know how it's going to go. 75% of the time, one team will have the lead before coughing it up with minutes or seconds left to go, be it a power play on a [Brent] Seabrook penalty or an advantageous short-ranged shot from Bryan Bickell. But at the end of the day, fans are waiting around for three hours to get the same result they'd see from watching five minutes of an overtime game."

Pandemonium sweeps Chicago as distracted Hawks fans re-live Monday night’s win

All around the city of Chicago the police and fire department have been called twice more than usual today for inexplicable accidents. Pedestrians have been running into walls, drivers have missed their turns and run into each other, and numerous people have gotten caught halfway through the door on the "L."