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"Eddy Curry may be the Eddy Curry of basketball, but he's the Michael Jordan of over-eating," one excitable restauranteur told reporters. "I can't wait for the payday that'll be coming my way the night that he decides to eat at my restaurant."

In the wake of recently nixing the trade of Chris Paul from New Orleans to the Lakers, NBA Commissioner David Stern has decided to make a few more moves in order to better affect his league. In a statement issued Friday morning, Stern declared that the Christmas holiday -- coinciding with the beginning of the league schedule -- would be cancelled.

“We’re going to suck, but it’s only because we want to suck. That’s how you get the first crack at the top prospects,” said Williams. “The Royals used to have a stranglehold on last place in the division but they’ve decided they want to try and win now, and we wanted to get the high draft picks. It just worked out.”

In shocking news coming from the MLB Winter Meetings in Dallas, Mets shortstop Jose Reyes suffered yet another injury, this time while signing a contract with the Miami Marlins.

A day after leaving the White Sox for a fat free agent contract with the Miami Marlins, pitcher Mark Buehrle took out a full-page ad in the Chicago Tribune and Chicago Sun-Times. Click here to see the PDF.

In exchange for Adam Dunn, Sox GM Kenny Williams agreed to contract a severe case of Gonorrhea, as well as all of the steroid enhanced rats that inhabit Wrigley Field.

Cardinals fans are blowing up Twitter today, voicing their displeasure at Albert Pujols, the "trader" first baseman who signed a 10-year contract with the "Angles" today.