In the wake of recently nixing the trade of Chris Paul from New Orleans to the Lakers, NBA Commissioner David Stern has decided to make a few more moves in order to better affect his league. In a statement issued Friday morning, Stern declared that the Christmas holiday — coinciding with the beginning of the league schedule — would be cancelled.
“I did this for basketball reasons,” said Stern who emphasized that celebrating Americans across the country would be better off watching overpaid athletes not hustle for three quarters of a purely meaningless exhibition of dunks and little-to-no defense.
“Presents, church, eating, family,” Stern barked. “These things are all detrimental to the viewership of the league. How on earth am I supposed to get people to watch Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol sulk while Kobe Bryant takes all the shots if folks have to concentrate on more meaningful things in life?”
When asked to comment, Santa Claus issued a statement through his attorneys representing that a suit would be filed, alleging that Stern has taken away from his livelihood. However, league officials have already countered that St. Nicholas has no jurisdictional standing as he is not a U.S. citizen and was recently negotiated out of the newly signed collective bargaining agreement.
“The players’ union wanted him in,” Stern chuckled, “but I told them if they wanted more basketball related income, they’d have to dump the fat man. Besides, we already have one too many Glen Davises in this league.”