In a not-so-surprising move this week, the Chicago White Sox were able to unload the winner of this year’s Eddy Curry ESPY Award for complete worthlessness onto the crosstown Cubs. In exchange for Adam Dunn, Sox GM Kenny Williams agreed to contract a severe case of Gonorrhea, as well as all of the steroid enhanced rats that inhabit Wrigley Field.
The White Sox will also cover a small portion ($100-$200) of Dunn’s remaining contract. Theo Epstein stated that he didn’t want too much Sox money, as he preferred to continue the great north side tradition of overpaying for incompetence and embarrassment.
“By paying $14 million for Adam’s stellar .149 batting average, we are killing two birds with one stone,” he said. “We’re paying for our excuse for missing the playoffs for at least the next four years, as well as funding the MLBPA pension for once decent washed-up players with a recognizable name. That’s all that we really need here on the north side anyway, as nobody is paying attention to the game.”
League sources say the move will also assist with the Cubs’ vendor problems, as large amounts of rat feces have been found in the hot dogs and food at Wrigley Field.
“Now all of the turds will be concentrated in the home-team clubhouse at Wrigley, instead of in our $15 hot dogs,” said Tom Ricketts, whose intentions have always been to keep the Cubs fans fat, drunk and ignorant when it comes to the game of baseball. “The less baseball knowledge they have, the less we have to try to actually put a winning product together.”
In what seems to be self-punishment for the Cubs-like free agency signing last year, Kenny Williams also agreed to a severe case of gonorrhea to complete the trade.
“The sensations from this sexually-transmitted disease will be a lot less painful than having to watch Adam at the plate for the entire 2012 season,” he said.
Dunn appeared to have no comment on the trade, as he just stood motionless with a blank stare as reporters fired questions at him. He slowly turned and walked to his seat after the third question. The Cubs have already fashioned an indent in the shape of Dunn’s ass into the team’s bench to prepare for the new season.