Ryan Braun’s failed drug test caused by ink from his awful shirts
"Unfortunately, the ink in my Remetee shirts has proved to be laced with HGH and other performance-enhancing drugs," said Braun. "We were only going for fashion-enhancing chemicals, but I guess the science guys mixed up the formula or whatever ... then it seeped into my skin ... and, uh ... I gotta go!"
Ryan Braun busted for PEDs: Let’s hear your headline ideas
Anyone with an internet or cable connection knows by now that Brewers MVP outfielder/restauranteur/douchey T-shirt salesman Ryan Braun reportedly failed a drug test this fall. It's huge news and we're giving you a chance to give us your take on what the headline should be. Simply write it in the comments box below this post or email it to theheckler@theheckler.com. The best headlines might wind up as a Heckler article and we'll give you full credit so fire away.
Lakers announce trades to acquire Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant and...
After reports surfaced they were trying to acquire Chris Paul and Dwight Howard, the Lakers shocked the league by announcing that not only do they plan to continue pursuing Paul and Howard, they've also proposed trades for Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant, and sure, why not, LeBron James.
As seasons change, idiot Hoosiers switch allegience from ND football to IU basketball
It’s a seasonal tradition for millions of disloyal Indiana residents: The changing of the college sports seasons from football to basketball. Each November, after yet another disappointing Notre Dame football season, mindless Hoosiers begin their perennial migration of fandom to focus upon Indiana University’s basketball team.
Washington Generals offended Dan Gilbert compared them to 25 NBA teams
"I know we have the reputation of being a loser, but have you looked at Cleveland's roster?" said Generals coach and owner Red Klotz. "They won 19 games last year. And don't get me started on teams like the T'Wolves, Bucks, Pacers, Raptors, Warriors, Kings, Bobcats and Wizards. Our ball boys could give some of these shitty teams a run for their money."
Posada taking grounders, expects to start as ball boy along first base line
“I had spoken to Joe [Girardi] about my gunning the ball back to the pitcher and letting him relay to second on steal attempts – kind of a two-one-four putout – but he wasn’t crazy about the idea,” Posada said.
Report: Pujols signed with Angels because he thought they were owned by God
The Cardinals reportedly lost their superstar Albert Pujols to the Angels because the pious first baseman believed the religiously named team was actually owned by God. There's no word on whether Pujols is now aware the team is actually owned by billboard magnate Arte Moreno, but should he find out and have him sour on the decision, it's too late now as the deal has already been signed.
